Does anything – anything at all – come to mind when you hear the name Roberto Ruivo? Does it ring any bells, even if very faintly so? No? Me neither. So when I saw a message in my mailbox this morning that said “Introducing Roberto Ruivo, the first and only brand of Dubai,” I felt both a little excited to discover a new brand and a little depressed to realize that the person who wrote the email had no idea what first, or only, meant.

Anyway, I went on to click the link in the email and found myself staring at the home page of their website. A few minutes later, I gained a fuller understanding of Roberto Ruivo. “The fashion world is welcoming Roberto Ruivo Dubai, the first brand to represent the city of Dubai,” the website copy said.

“My shoes are very similar to Dubai – higher, flashier and more unique than anything you have ever seen,” it added, while I tried to correct typos in that last sentence. Basically, Roberto Ruivo’s a shoemaker who sells six-inch heels in Dubai. The online shop sells Ruivo’s entire Spring/Summer 2010 collection, which is a massive six designs.

Every color, pattern, and texture, the website explains, is created by Ruivo himself through his inspiration of Dubai. I wonder how many red leopards and zebras he had to watch roaming around in Bur Dubai before inspiration finally struck.

Ruivo does not make kitten heels – only really tall ones – perhaps because of the Burj Khalifa, and the whole obsession with the biggest and tallest here in the Emirates. The designer makes five- and six-inch heels because he thinks a woman should never be afraid of the spotlight. But what about the bunionectomy that a woman is going to need after wearing killer heels day in and day out? Shouldn’t a woman be afraid of that?

In conclusion, I think the shoes remind me of Ugly Betty’s Gina Gambaro and Hilda Suarez. Now, tell me, do women in Dubai really look like they’re from Queens? Or (Dear Lord) Jersey?